Getting Past No: 8 key ideas
The core ideas of Getting Past No, each in under a minute, written in our own words. Want the full depth? Get the book.
- IDEA 1 OF 8
Difficult people need a strategy
Ury offers a strategy for negotiating with difficult people who stonewall, attack or trick.
His five-step approach aims to turn adversaries into partners in solving problems. Each step is meant to be used in order.
- IDEA 2 OF 8
Go to the balcony
The first step is to go to the balcony, stepping back mentally to stay calm.
Pausing prevents reacting emotionally. From there you can see the problem clearly instead of getting pulled into anger.
- IDEA 3 OF 8
Step to their side
The second step is to disarm the other person by listening, acknowledging their points and agreeing where possible.
This reduces hostility. When people feel heard, they become less defensive and more ready to listen to you in return.
- IDEA 4 OF 8
Reframe the conversation
The third step is to reframe, turning attacks into discussions about interests.
Asking questions helps. Instead of rejecting a hard position, you ask why they want it. Their answers move the talk away from blame and toward solving the problem.
- IDEA 5 OF 8
Build a golden bridge
The fourth step is to make it easy for the other side to say yes, by involving them and helping them save face.
Ury calls this building a golden bridge.
- IDEA 6 OF 8
Use power to educate
The fifth step is to bring them to their senses, not their knees, by showing the consequences of not agreeing.
Power should persuade. They should see that walking away costs them more than agreeing would.
- IDEA 7 OF 8
Avoid escalation
Ury argues that responding to attacks with attacks makes things worse.
Calm strategy works better. Each angry reply gives the other person a reason to get angrier, and the real problem is forgotten.
- IDEA 8 OF 8
Aim for mutual satisfaction
Ury argues that the goal is an agreement both sides can accept.
Lasting deals require cooperation. If one side feels it lost, it may drag its feet or break the deal later.
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