Difficult Conversations: 8 key ideas
The core ideas of Difficult Conversations, each in under a minute, written in our own words. Want the full depth? Get the book.
- IDEA 1 OF 8
Every hard talk has three layers
Stone, Patton and Heen, from the Harvard Negotiation Project, argue that every difficult conversation is really three conversations at once.
There is a conversation about what happened, one about feelings and one about identity.
- IDEA 2 OF 8
Stories differ about what happened
In the what happened conversation, people argue about facts, intentions and blame.
The authors suggest exploring each other's stories instead. In the authors' view, each side tells the story as it sees it, so it is more useful to understand both than to prove who is right.
- IDEA 3 OF 8
Intentions differ from impact
The authors argue that we often assume others meant to hurt us.
Separating intentions from impact reduces conflict. In the authors' view, we know what someone did and how we felt, but we can only guess their reason, and the guess is often wrong.
- IDEA 4 OF 8
Look at contributions, not blame
The authors suggest exploring how each person contributed to a problem.
This is more useful than assigning blame. In the authors' view, problems usually involve both people, so asking how each contributed leads to learning and makes solutions easier.
- IDEA 5 OF 8
Feelings matter
The feelings conversation involves emotions that are often unspoken.
Acknowledging feelings helps resolve conflict. In the authors' view, strong emotions that are never mentioned still shape the talk, so naming them can calm things down.
- IDEA 6 OF 8
Identity is at stake
The identity conversation concerns how the situation affects our sense of self.
Recognising this reduces defensiveness. In the authors' view, a person who fears being seen as incompetent or bad may defend themselves hard, and this makes the talk harder.
- IDEA 7 OF 8
Start with the third story
The authors suggest beginning conversations with a third story, a neutral description an observer might give.
This invites cooperation. In the authors' view, such a description is fair to both sides, so it helps the other person feel less attacked and more ready to talk.
- IDEA 8 OF 8
Adopt a learning stance
The authors encourage approaching conversations with curiosity, seeking to learn rather than win.
Listening changes outcomes. In the authors' view, a person who wants to understand, and not to win, makes the other person more willing to talk and listen.
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