Author

Sheila Heen

16 key ideas across 2 books, each explained in our own words.

Difficult Conversations

IDEA 1
Every hard talk has three layers
Stone, Patton and Heen, from the Harvard Negotiation Project, argue that every difficult conversation is really three conversations at once. There is a conversation about what happened, one about feelings and one about identity.
IDEA 2
Stories differ about what happened
In the what happened conversation, people argue about facts, intentions and blame. The authors suggest exploring each other's stories instead. In the authors' view, each side tells the story as it sees it, so it is more useful to understand both than to prove who is right.
IDEA 3
Intentions differ from impact
The authors argue that we often assume others meant to hurt us. Separating intentions from impact reduces conflict. In the authors' view, we know what someone did and how we felt, but we can only guess their reason, and the guess is often wrong.

IDEA 1
Receiving feedback is a skill
Stone and Heen argue that most advice focuses on giving feedback, but the real challenge is receiving it. Learning to receive feedback well can transform careers and relationships. In their view, since we learn mostly from others' comments, being open to them is a skill worth practising.
IDEA 2
Feedback triggers reactions
The authors describe three triggers that make feedback hard to hear: truth triggers, when feedback seems wrong; relationship triggers, when we react to who is giving it; and identity triggers, when feedback threatens our sense of self.
IDEA 3
Feedback has three types
The authors distinguish appreciation, which shows recognition; coaching, which helps improve; and evaluation, which ranks performance. Confusing them causes problems. In their view, a person who wants encouragement but receives a rating may feel hurt, so it helps to know which kind is being given.

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