The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: 8 key ideas
The core ideas of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, each in under a minute, written in our own words. Want the full depth? Get the book.
- IDEA 1 OF 8
Research reveals what keeps couples together
Gottman, a psychologist who studied couples for decades in his so-called Love Lab, argues that he can often predict which marriages will last.
His principles come from observing how couples talk and behave.
- IDEA 2 OF 8
Four behaviours predict trouble
Gottman identifies four harmful patterns he calls the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Contempt, in his research, is especially damaging. In his research, couples who showed these patterns often were more likely to face lasting trouble.
- IDEA 3 OF 8
Know your partner's world
Gottman describes love maps, detailed knowledge of a partner's life, worries and hopes.
Couples who keep updating them stay closer. In his account, knowing small facts about each other makes a couple feel known and valued.
- IDEA 4 OF 8
Show fondness and admiration
Gottman argues that expressing appreciation and respect protects relationships.
It builds a positive foundation. In his account, couples who regularly notice what they value in each other keep warm feelings alive. Such respect can cushion them when problems arise.
- IDEA 5 OF 8
Respond to small bids
Gottman explains that partners constantly make bids for attention.
Turning towards them, rather than away, builds connection. In his research, couples who often turned towards each other's small requests built up trust over time, while those who often ignored them grew apart.
- IDEA 6 OF 8
Let your partner influence you
Gottman argues that couples do better when each partner is willing to accept the other's influence in decisions.
In his research, relationships where one partner always had the last word were more likely to struggle.
- IDEA 7 OF 8
Some problems never go away
Gottman finds that many conflicts are perpetual, based on lasting differences.
Couples need to manage them rather than solve them. In his account, what matters is the way a couple talks about these differences, with humour and respect, not whether they end.
- IDEA 8 OF 8
Create shared meaning
Gottman argues that couples thrive when they build shared rituals, goals and values.
In his view, a sense of purpose that the two share gives the relationship depth beyond daily tasks. It helps them feel like a team.
Get one idea like this every daySwipe through ideas, go deeper on any of them, and save the ones that matter. Free.
Read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work in the app