Nonviolent Communication: 8 key ideas
The core ideas of Nonviolent Communication, each in under a minute, written in our own words. Want the full depth? Get the book.
- IDEA 1 OF 8
Communication can be compassionate
Rosenberg argues that much conflict comes from the way people speak, using judgement, blame and demands.
He offers nonviolent communication, a method for expressing ourselves honestly and listening with empathy.
- IDEA 2 OF 8
Observe without judging
The first step is to describe what you observe without adding evaluation.
Saying you arrived after nine o'clock is different from saying you are always late. Plain facts are easier for the other person to hear without feeling attacked.
- IDEA 3 OF 8
Name your feelings
The second step is to express how you feel, using words for emotions rather than thoughts about others.
Feelings are clearer than accusations. Saying you feel hurt invites understanding, while calling someone rude usually invites a fight.
- IDEA 4 OF 8
Feelings come from needs
The third step is to identify the needs behind feelings, such as respect or rest.
Needs are universal. Rosenberg says that when we name the need, we stop blaming others for how we feel.
- IDEA 5 OF 8
Make clear requests
The fourth step is to make a specific, doable request rather than a demand.
Requests invite cooperation. A demand makes people feel forced, so they may resist, or obey only out of fear.
- IDEA 6 OF 8
Listen with empathy
Rosenberg encourages listening for others' feelings and needs, even when they speak harshly.
Empathy reduces conflict. Hearing the need behind angry words helps the speaker feel understood. Once people feel understood, they are usually more willing to listen in return.
- IDEA 7 OF 8
Choose giraffe over jackal
Rosenberg uses the giraffe, an animal with a large heart, for compassionate language, and the jackal for judgemental language.
People can choose how they speak. Choosing giraffe language makes honest and kind talk more possible.
- IDEA 8 OF 8
Anger points to needs
Rosenberg argues that anger signals unmet needs.
Expressing those needs is more effective than blaming. Behind the shout is often a need, such as respect or being heard, that nobody has noticed yet. Saying that need calmly gives the other person something to respond to.
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