Parenting

Unconditional Parenting: 8 key ideas

by Alfie Kohn

The core ideas of Unconditional Parenting, each in under a minute, written in our own words. Want the full depth? Get the book.

1. IDEA 1 OF 8

   Love should not depend on behaviour

   Kohn argues that many common parenting methods teach children that they are loved only when they behave well.

   He believes children need to feel loved unconditionally, for who they are.

2. IDEA 2 OF 8

   Control can backfire

   Kohn criticises methods aimed at controlling children's behaviour.

   He argues they may produce obedience but not understanding. In his view, a child who only does things to please or avoid trouble may not learn why they matter.

3. IDEA 3 OF 8

   Withdrawing love harms

   Kohn argues that punishments such as time-outs can feel to children like withdrawal of love.

   This, he says, can cause anxiety. In his view, a child may take the message to be that love depends on good behaviour.

4. IDEA 4 OF 8

   Praise can be controlling

   Kohn argues that praise can work like a reward, making children dependent on approval.

   He suggests describing rather than judging. In his view, a child who is often praised may start to depend on others to say whether they did well.

5. IDEA 5 OF 8

   Rewards and punishments are similar

   Kohn argues that both rewards and punishments are ways of doing things to children rather than with them.

   In his view, both rely on the adult's power, and neither helps the child understand the reasons behind a rule.

6. IDEA 6 OF 8

   Work with children

   Kohn encourages parents to involve children in solving problems and to explain reasons.

   In his view, talking through a problem together helps children learn to think about others and about consequences. He says orders cannot do this.

7. IDEA 7 OF 8

   See the child's view

   Kohn urges parents to imagine how situations look from the child's perspective.

   In his view, imagining how things look from the child's side helps adults respond to the real need behind a behaviour. He links this to respect.

8. IDEA 8 OF 8

   Autonomy matters

   Kohn argues that children need chances to make decisions for themselves.

   In his view, children who are allowed to choose, within reason, grow more confident in their own judgement. He sees choice as part of learning responsibility.